Elves on the Shelf

I came into the living room the other day to find the girls perched on our living room bookcases. 

They were playing "Elf on the Shelf." 

Happy to see our Christmas lies stay with them throughout the year. ;)

Puppy Lovers

We were lucky to be referred to a really nice lady named Sharon who takes care of Cooper whenever we are out of town. She lives nearby and breeds King Charles Cavalier puppies. She kept Cooper for us on Easter Sunday since we were in Mt. Vernon all day and we didn't want to leave Coop in his crate for that long. When we went to pick him up, she let the girls play with her new litters of puppies. They were in heaven! 

Easter 2015

We spent a fun Easter in Mt. Vernon at my Aunt Jeanie and Uncle Ray's. 

They have a gorgeous backyard and always plan such a great dinner and Easter egg hunt. 

I love getting to see my cousins too, many of whom have moved from Montana to Washington and are spread around the Bellingham-Everett-Bellevue areas now which is so awesome. 

We HAVE to be better about getting together more frequently! 

The girls were really fun this Easter - so completely excited and into the Easter egg hunts. 

They loved their baskets and raced around the house finding eggs early in the morning. 

I cherish these special years, I know they are fleeting. 

We began the day with baskets and breakfast and then went to St. Vincent's Easter Mass. 

It's important to me to go to church on Easter - it adds extra meaning to the holiday and reinforces the fact that, though super fun, Easter isn't just baskets and bunnies! :) 

Speaking of bunnies - how cute are these two?? 

Kennedy was SO excited to wear this maxi-skirt. 

It was really cute... she had it all laid out the night before. 

She told me it was a "grown up skirt" and that she just felt SO pretty in it. :)

Holy baby belly!!

This picture of my little sister Rachael gets me big time. She looks so grown-up and for some reason just gives me a flash of what she is going to look like as an adult. Wow. 

But then this one seems more like her 10 year old self. Phew!! :)

 My cousin Bryan's new baby girl, Jocelyn. Such a little sweetie! 

The Stone

I came across a new blog this week which I wanted to share here. I loved this blog (titled Four Plus an Angel) and in particular one of the posts titled, The Stone. I loved it so, SO much. It is an unbelievably accurate take on what it is like to lose a child or in our case, a baby. I share it because it really impacted me but also because I think people struggling with many different types of loss can relate. Deep grief has unique characteristics but common threads.

Click here to read The Stone: http://fourplusanangel.com/2015/02/the-stone/

For me, the author hit the nail on the head. Perfectly. I have read it and re-read it many times over. It is exactly what I live with on a daily basis. Sometimes I don't feel justified in having the feelings I do because I didn't meet Lexie. I didn't hold her. She didn't come home with us. And yet I feel like I could have written this article. How is that possible? I guess it's because we lost her so far into the pregnancy. Because of the circumstances surrounding our loss. The fact that I felt her move and carried her all those months but that I never got to meet her... that it all ended so abruptly and that I wanted her so badly. I feel like I knew her and yet I didn't really. 

But then it occurred to me... It doesn't really matter why I feel the way I do...my feelings are my feelings and the depth of grief a person feels is individual and can't really be evaluated or explained. It is also the the very real power of motherhood. It transcends time and space.  It is also the power of a tragic and traumatic experience... it stays with you.... always.

I don't write as much as I used to about our loss... I don't feel the need to as much anymore. This isn't because I don't think about it and her every single day because I do but because I am more at peace with it and my heart has slowly healed over the past 11 months. There are still times though when it is enormously helpful for me to get some of my thoughts OUT and I have been feeling that more lately. Probably because we are approaching May and the one year anniversary of losing Lexie. Maybe it's also why I stumbled across that beautiful post. I think I needed to read it... to find words that clarified what I so often feel. And so there it was. Funny how that works sometimes. Words have brought me so much comfort and clarity this past year. The words I have found in music, the words I have read in books and the words I have written myself have all been enormously healing. I can't help but wonder if my love of reading and writing wasn't given to me long ago in preparation for this loss or any other tough times I will inevitably come across. Whatever the reason, I am grateful for it.

I also really loved the title of the blog: Four Plus an Angel. It caught my eye because I constantly struggle with how to label our family. Sean and I talk about it a lot and it's something we are both grappling with as my pregnancy continues and my due date approaches. Are we about to be a family of five... or six? Do we have three kids... or four? Without a doubt, in my heart, we are a family of six and I have four babies. But I rarely, if ever, tell people that in conversation if they don't know our story. I can tell that even our close family and friends aren't sure whether they should call Aiden our third or fourth baby... they aren't sure what to do either and I don't really know what to tell them to do because I am so conflicted about it. Out in public, people will often look at the girls and me and see that I am pregnant and say:

"Oh you are expecting #3? Is it a boy or a girl? 
I politely respond and say, "Yes, #3 and it's a boy." 
And they get so excited and say "Oh how wonderful ... a boy after two girls!" 
I just smile and nod and tell them how excited we are.

And every single time, what I want to say is this: "NO!!... this is my FOURTH baby. A boy. After three girls. Yes. There was a third girl!! She should be here too but she isn't and it sucks. She is our angel baby in heaven."
That's what I'd like to say. But I don't because it makes people feel bad and not every conversation needs that kind of depth. Plus... lets be honest, I could easily buzz kill a lot of interactions with that info!

But truthfully I hate referring to Aiden as my third baby, my third pregnancy. He isn't. He is my fourth pregnancy and my fourth baby and every time I have to say he is my third, it irritates me. But it's just the reality of the situation and in truth, he will be my third baby here on earth. Lexie is my angel baby above. So we are five plus an angel. It is what it is. I hope I will become more comfortable with this reality as time goes on but I am also accepting that it will never feel quite right. This is because it isn't quite right...not without her.

I wanted to share one other post from this blog, as well. I wish I could have passed it along to the people in my life last summer and fall when the grief was so strong and so present and I couldn't really explain what I needed because I didn't really know. But what I needed (and thankfully mostly got) were a lot of things on this list. Reading this list though... even now... after great strides and healing... literally brought me to tears.

http://fourplusanangel.com/2012/01/what-i-need/

Miss Mara

Just a few recent phone photos of this little lady as she heads towards her fourth birthday!

Three is a challenging age at times but in between the tough spots is this sweet smile and I just love her to pieces. She's a special one for sure.

Hello Third Trimester... Goodbye Feet!

My third trimester has finally arrived ... woo-hoo! 

The final stretch (and the longest stretch) has begun... I am hoping it flies by quickly (riiighhhtt!!!) :) 

I have been horrible about photographing my belly this pregnancy... the girls have way more photos from my pregnancies which each of them. Oh well! I am contemplating having some maternity photos taken in the next few weeks... not because I have any desire to get in front of the camera but because they might be special for my kiddos to look back on. And, this is likely my last pregnancy so it might be fun to do that. Stay tuned! 

I am getting so excited to meet this baby... to hold him and see what he looks like.  We have decided to name him Aiden Sean which we both really love and I think it will fit him perfectly. It means "warm little fire" which I am certain he will be. And having his dad's name as his middle name is so special as his dad is very excited for him and I know these two are going to be pretty tight. 

It's been a long pregnancy. And a much different pregnancy emotionally than any of my others. I am ready to be done... ready to move forward from this phase. I am ready to complete this journey. To put to rest these last two pregnancies. I want to love on this little guy and enjoy my girls and in a way, return to my life. This past year has been an unbelievable mixture of feeling - heartbreak, disbelief, disappointment, chronic sadness, mild depression at times and mixed in with all of that I have felt hopeful and excited and ready to move forward. Hard to fully explain but in the end... it's been a long road and I just pray I have a safe and healthy end to my pregnancy and that with little fanfare or complication, I will get to meet this little one. 

Physically, its been a completely uncomplicated pregnancy which I am grateful for. Other than feeling like the main character in Alien, there isn't too much to report. All the usual pregnancy stuff - normal weight gain, back pain (thank you Sean for the almost nightly back rubs!!!), a little swelling...  and lots of baby movement which I always love and am kind of enamored by. This little guy is riding LOW in my belly, much lower than the girls so I pee about 30 times a day which is pretty neat. ;) Pregnancy is a trip that's for sure but every time, I do feel grateful to experience it and I am going to attempt to just patiently sit tight for the next two months while we wait for this little goose to finish cooking! 

 29 weeks (7 months) along

Trip to Helena

This post is a little out of order but I wanted to make sure I included it.
I took a quick two-day trip to Helena last month to visit my cousin Rachael and her sweet family.
Rachael had her second baby girl in November and I had not yet met sweet Aubrey so I wanted to do that before I get super busy here in the next few months with my own new baby.

It was a super relaxing and fun couple of days - we spent lots of time visiting and catching up (and shopping and getting lonnnggg pedicures!). I also got to see some of my other family members that live in Helena. I really love Rachael and Bob and I SO wish we lived closer!!

Rach and I (24 weeks pregnant here!)

 Bad selfie... 

My cousin Taylor also lives in Helena and goes to Carroll College - great to have dinner with her and catch up! 

While I was there, I took some family photos for Rachael and Bob... here are a few of my favorites! 

A few shots of my wonderful Aunt Judy and Uncle Bill too - two of my absolute favorite people in our family!