30 January 2015

| 20 and 21 Weeks |

We had our 20 week ultrasound for baby boy last week and it literally couldn't have gone any better.
How wonderful to be able to type that phrase... it couldn't have gone any better.
I realized after the ultrasound that I had been preparing myself for bad news. I didn't even really realize it. I hadn't really felt anxious or nervous before but afterwards, I felt such a tremendous sense of relief and for the following day or two afterward, I had a sense of not really knowing what to do with myself. Everything looked good. Wow.
Barring anything randomly happening, I get to finish my pregnancy. What a weird feeling. I get to keep wearing my maternity clothes. I get to decorate the baby's room. I get to think about him and feel excited for him. I get to feel him move and enjoy it. His movements don't break my heart.
 So bittersweet.
The word that defines my life now I think.
He was a mover and a shaker during the ultrasound so Dr. Case had a hard time getting really great images of him but these are pretty cool anyways
 Though even through my mommy-goggles, I can admit they are a little alien-esque!
He's a beautiful alien though don't you think??? ;) 

This is my favorite image. It's one that others might overlook but not me. Not this time.

His heart.
You can clearly see four distinct chambers.
It was very emotional for me to see this image.
When I look at it, my mind flashes back to the images of Lexie's heart... her images showed only two chambers.
The entire left side was not there.
Last May, during the process of finding out about her condition and further diagnosing it, we met with the head of cardiology at Seattle Children's Hospital. We had a 45 minute in-depth ultrasound and two fetal echos done of her heart in the span of one week. The entire ultrasound at Seattle Children's was spent just on her heart.
My mom, Sean and I sat in the room for those entire 45 minutes and did not say a word.
We just watched that tiny, partial heart pump and bump on the big screen in front of us.
That teeny little heart...
In all my life, I won't forget it on that big screen. I won't forget how I felt watching it.
How I knew that our baby girl was not meant to be.
 Not meant to live the life I so desperately wanted for her.
How heartbroken I was to have to let her go. I wanted her so badly.
I was prepared to spend a lifetime with her.
Little did I know I was being prepared for something else.
That little heart that was so imperfectly perfect.
Not meant to carry her through her life but I will be forever grateful it carried her as far as it did.
That she got to be ours for even the short while that she was.
She made us stronger. She made us love a little harder and a little deeper.
She made us see how precious life is. How blessed we are.
She did a lot in her short time. She was perfect in my eyes.

Today I am 21 weeks along. The exact spot I was when we let her go.
I feel emotional today. I can feel my little man bump along as I write this.
I feel bad that all of my posts about him always involve Lexie too but really, it's so fitting because they are so wrapped up together for me. I imagine that will change over time. As he is born, as he joins our family. He will pave his own way, his own identity. But for now, he is strongly linked to his sister. Even his room isn't quite his yet. His baby bedding is out and there are some little boy clothes and little boy blankets in the drawers. But the wall of the bedroom is still pink and there are pink baby blankets right next to the blue ones. I have some paint samples and we are preparing to paint over that pink wall. I am moving forward and still looking back a lot.
 Backwards and forwards, happy and sad.
It is the reality of grief and loss even eight months later.

I bought this cute little rainbow hat off of my favorite website, Etsy.
Can't wait to put it on his little rainbow head.
I also can't wait to start calling him by name.
Sean... would you pick a name please?!?! :) 


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